Unnecessary Destruction

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The anger and pain I feel right now is overwhelming. I can’t breathe and I’m shaking from emotion.

I want to break things, scream and shout. But I won’t, I’ll internalise everything til I burst. I have to calm down before I hyperventilate.

Where’s Pup? Right beside me like always… I’m just too angry to see… Shit! I just broke my bank card because I am shaking so badly and trying to act like nothing is wrong!

What did I even go into the fucking store for in the first place! I just hope nobody talks to me because I’m not in any frame of mind for chitchat.

To have someone that you thought you were in a long distance relationship with tell you they’ve been seeing someone else without officially ending it with you, hurts a lot.

I don’t know why people can’t be honest. I’ve learned from this that people only need you until something better comes along. Devotion and loyalty count for nothing it seems. Out of sight, out of mind obviously.

The excuse of “it just happened ” doesn’t wash with me because I was strung along for so long, whilst you were blanking me and getting cozy with someone else.

I hung around throughout all your excuses, only to have everything I’ve been there with you for, thrown back at me. The lies were unnecessary, same as the constant blanking and ignorance.

Then you try to make me end things because you wanted an easy way out. You could’ve just told me…

But no…

You had to disrespect me after everything I’ve done for you, breaking me down until I’m questioning everything about my life. Now I feel worthless and broken.

Did I really deserve that?

Was it necessary?

Are you happy?

I brought this on myself though, I gave you a second chance and this time you do me worse than before.

I’m a fucking idiot but I damn well deserve better than what you did.

No I haven’t slept and it’s 4 30 am. You have destroyed me when there was no need whatsoever.

I hope you’re happy…

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Busy Few Weeks and Seeking Attention

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Phew…As the title says, I’ve had a busy few weeks due to the holiday season and other Real Life crap. But I’ve had my usual visit various dating sites in search of attention…

Do I get anywhere? Not really…

The odd message now and then but nothing serious….

I am trying to do something about the depressive feelings I’ve been having lately but it’s like trying to crawl from a deep pit with just my fingernails…

I’ve met a lot of helpful, caring people through this blog and I sorta live vicariously through their stories but in the end, I need more than mere words…

My depression stems from my loneliness/neediness and in turn, that causes me to shut down and put out the wrong impression to people…

Positive Mental Attitude

That’s what I’m learning to have…

Maybe then I’ll attract a Princess….

Crawling out of a dark hole….

I am Cold

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I am cold and shivering,

Sat out here in the black of night,

No one to warm me,

Or tell me everything’s going to be alright,

I am cold and empty,

Depressed and alone,

I love my friends,

But they have someone,

I’m on my own,

Right at this moment,

I’m sure I will grow old,

All alone, alone and cold.

Panda Girl

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I look her in the eye as she struggled there, tied to my spanking horse. Her feet and wrists tightly secured with leather restraints, fur lined to prevent marks from struggling.

I can hear her rapid breathing as I pace slowly around her, tracing a fingertip down her spine teasing arousal from her slender form. I tilt her head back to look her in the face a moment, smiling at the smudged makeup around her eyes.

“Struggle all you like, Little Panda, you will never get free of my love…” I mutter in her ear as drag my nails across her back.

“Yes Sir, I know…nor would I wish to be…” she moans breathlessly .

The Toughest Day…

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I woke up promptly at 7 AM, showered and ate my cereal along with all that other everyday stuff, that I had always done on every 24 hours prior to this one…

I was buttonining my shirt when I heard my phone start to ring, which was odd because nobody ever calls before 9 AM. I stalked over, answered and within the next few words, my day was ruined. My good friend had past away from pneumonia during the night, the early call was his sister informing me…

For a moment, it was like the world was on pause, my brain couldn’t fathom that a man who had been like an older brother to me was no longer going to be around. After about a couple hours had gone by, it hit me hard and I sought comfort in the warmth of her embrace. And to my relief, she was more than willing to oblige me.

In mere moments, I was warm and safe to release the hurt I was feeling, I was so glad she couldn’t see the true state I was in……

I love her for this, heck I loved her prior to this…

Don’t leave me stranded please my love…

To my followers, happier programming will resume ASAP

Some Day…

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Some day I will have what I want,

The cuddles and the kisses,

A loving sub is one of my wishes,

I have waited so very long,

Someone please tell me,

What am I doing wrong?

Am I too strict,

Or am I too soft?

Maybe it’s because,

My sights are too high aloft?

Whatever the reason,

I just have to say,

I WILL find my girl,

Some day….

A short poem by me after a tough and emotional day….. Go home and hug your Dom/sub, tell them you love them…Remind them how much they mean to you… You never know how lucky you are until it’s gone….Those of you within the life and with a partner, I wish I had the abilty to curl into my partners arms like you do, in difficult times. But I only have my readers right now, so I am turning to you all, how does your partner bring you through hard times? Cheer me up with your nice experiences….

Doubting Myself and My Dominance

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Been doing this a lot lately and Nadira, my Bittersweet Mentor and I thought it would be good to vent it. When she suggested it, I inwardly groaned to be honest. Part of me wanted to say, “No thanks, not really keen on opening old wounds I’ve kept hidden for so long…”

But, the more I thought about, the more I saw an opportunity for growth and healing. After all, that’s why I joined the course right? :S

My issues are,

TOO MANY FAILURES – Now, I know that not every relationship is going to succeed but how many times must I hear the words, “Sir, I beg release…” or worse yet, an offline message saying, (insert sub name here) has run away!

After four attempts at this, I’m running empty what am I doing wrong? I have no clue maybe all this will help me find out?

AM I TOO NEEDY? – Nadira says not but I’m not sure, otherwise why would people say it? Is knowing what you want being needy?

TOO HIGH EXPECTATIONS – Am I expecting too much from my submissives too soon?

OVERLY ATTACHED – I seem to get super attached and it’s like they never feel the same and in the end, I’m the one who suffers because of this.

These are all things that I feel I need to work on urgently in this course and in general?

You up for it Nadira?

PS – I added this video because it makes me laugh 😀