Today is the day I get my Dove tattoo, by the time this goes up the first session will already be done… I am expecting an emotional experience this time for obvious reasons. Add to that the emotion of recent weeks and it should all come to the fore today.
I haven’t blogged anything else substantial lately because my thoughts have been about one thing. Even if I write them down, it hasn’t been helping, I’ve written pages and pages of things but the more I write, the more it flows.
Most nights I sit in bed writing internal dialogue trying to find something that expresses how I’m feeling. Current writings are quite aggressive, dark in some parts but it’s mostly unresolved feelings, things I think but don’t say.
It’s not a painful feeling anymore, it’s frustration…
I talk but nobody hears. I rage and nobody cares…
I’m learning to manage my feelings better but it will take time I guess.
Today I went to my local tattoo place, where I’ve gotten all my other body art in the past. I use the same artist every time and I’ve never been disappointed, her work is flawless and always manages to perfectly illustrate how I’m feeling at the time. On previous visits, I’ve toyed with the idea of getting Pup’s paw print on my chest with her name and the date we were partnered together.
This will happen now, on Pup’s birthday in June. That way, she’ll be with me no matter what, just as she should be.
The other piece I asked to be drawn up was a Dove of some sort. We couldn’t come up with a solid design choice there and then, so the artist is going to work on some ideas and get back to me.
Why am I getting it?
To remind me it’s possible to love someone so deeply, that every fibre of your being can hurt, whether they feel the same or not. I feel it, I felt it, it exists. I don’t care what people think or if they think it’s silly.
She’s part of me and I’m part of Dove, whether she wants to admit it or not. Love is real, no matter how many miles are in between.
I hope one day to have a family, a loving (submissive and if it’s not being too greedy, masochistic babygirl) wife, kids and a couple of dogs. It’s my main life goal to be honest. I’m not interested in wealth (although a little wouldn’t hurt, would it?), material things and all that stuff. I’d trade it all in for a family, even if I had it…
Those of you that have one, oh how I envy you. Yes there must be hard times but surely all the love makes up for it?
Plain and simply, moving out of my dad’s house as soon as I turned 18, I couldn’t take the shit I was getting. I was a nervous wreck and I didn’t want to be here. For so LONG, I let his controlling ways make me miss out on life, so when the opportunity arose to get out of it I bailed. Leaving my siblings was hard for me, even though they are all grown up and understand why I did it, I still hate myself for it.
I promised to never leave them and I did, at the first chance I got.
Some of you may have seen this on other people’s blogs, and I thought this would be a good tool for reflection. Also (as seconded by my dear friend Cinnamon) it is a good chance for any prospective lady friends out there, to get to know me better. So here goes…
Something I hate about myself?
This one is easy…My negative attitude towards myself and how I assume people perceive me. It is something I am currently working hard to get under control, but of course, Rome wasn’t built in a day…
I’ve heard many times, that if you put out negativity, you get it back tenfold. And to all those people that passed me that bit of wisdom, I believe you… I always did. But when you’ve been told that you’d never be appealing to anyone since the day you understood words, it becomes engrained. Only now, years on, am I starting to build a life I’m not ashamed of. I’m going to have bad days, but know this, I’m rising from the ashes slowly, I am close to being reborn…