Love

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You know the history of my family and me, there was never any love there. All my life, I’ve never bothered that much about being in a relationship, it wasn’t important. I just did it because it was the done thing.

When I did get into a relationship, they were over as quickly as they began because I never put any effort into them. Not after High School, when the teacher saw that I needed help taking notes he put me with, who everybody considered to be the hottest girl in our year group.

She wasn’t very happy about it at all at first, it wasn’t cool to be put next to the disabled kid. That was until she realised I was quite smart and articulate, then I did the brain work for both of us. I may have told you this before but after some time we started a half-baked relationship where it would only continue if I didn’t tell anyone. One day, she said that I “would have to make do” with having relationships like this because no girl would want a guy like me because I couldn’t support or protect them.

After that, I saw little point in even trying with girls. I suffered (still do) from not liking how I looked and being very self-conscious. I change my hairstyle and colour constantly, grow a beard then shave it off again. I’m never happy because no matter what I do, I know ultimately, the chair will still be there. Most people make assumptions about me without so much as a word being shared.

This depresses me beyond belief at times.

But then a friend of mine, who has now passed, said to me one night in our college room, “We may not be the most physical, the most good-looking, we will likely never be wealthy but friend, our hearts are big and we love truly because we’ve been through it all in our short lives. We’ve seen and done things that most people couldn’t begin to imagine.”

“Is love on its own enough though?” I asked

He laughed and hugged me.

“Wars have been fought for love more times in history than anything else, whether its the love of a woman, object or idea. It’s all love in the end, just in different variations. People say they want wealth and power, even you and I but they are fleeting things. Many of those types are very unhappy, yet they have everything money can buy, except the one thing they can’t get with stacks of dough, fake tan or muscles. Love stays too… if you touch someone’s heart, people remember it far more than a touch on the hand or a kiss. We can do that bro… that’s why love can not only be enough, it can be everything.

Long after the guys who are all flash and no substance are all gone because things got hard or life’s responsibilities are too much for their chiselled shoulders, guys like us will come in and do the job right.”

Those who say love isn’t enough haven’t truly found it yet…

I miss you, my friend.

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Lost Dove

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Most people may think I’m stupid for being hung up on Baby after all this time. After all, our contact has dropped to nothing over the last few weeks.

Her life has completely taken over, for one reason or another. I just don’t fit in anywhere anymore. I still message her every now and then to say I’m thinking of her and hope everything is well, I don’t get a response from her that much though.

On the rare occasion that she does respond however, she tells me that everything is fine between us. It isn’t obviously, because if you really want to communicate with someone, you find a way no matter what. And I’ve felt for a while that she was putting more and more distance between us as time passed. She closed down emotionally and shut me out, going from being completely open about most things.

Stress does things to people and I know she’s been pretty much buried in it lately. Partly, I think she has cut me out of things because I am causing her more stress, whether she wants to admit it or not. When in fact, all I want to do is be there for her and love her.

The longer this has been going on, the more pressure has been piled on, causing her to retreat further and get more and more depressed about her situation. I’ve lost the connection with her, that at one time, kept us both afloat. We are adrift at the moment, she’s off flying erratically with nobody to catch her and keep her on course. And me, the ever devoted Dove Keeper, left hoping she finds her way home before it’s too late.

For both of us…

Pictures of the Past

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I don’t normally like thinking about the past but with social media, I don’t really have a choice at times.

Today I realised that almost everybody I knew from my college days is married and have settled down.

I am happy for them but it makes me wish I had that, even more than I normally do.

Lately I have been thinking I’m never going to have anything close to that and it hurts.

Looking at these pictures makes me feel old and like I’ve wasted a decade. But then I remember everything I have accomplished.

Ultimately though, am I being unrealistic wanting someone to be with me and take on all the baggage I come with?

I’m Wounded 

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I’m bleeding from the heart, I can’t stop it. At least that’s how it feels, it didn’t hit me properly until I automatically emailed her, without thinking I sent that I was thinking about her. Sending her stuff was the norm, so i didn’t think…

Suddenly I realised that she wasn’t even going to respond. It was like a train hit me at full speed, now I’m sitting here balling into Pup’s fur. I’m so dumb…

I hurt so much that I can hardly breathe…

Dusty Pages 

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blow the dust off the front cover of the leather journal, sighing deeply as I pick up my pen…

It’s been sometime since I have even looked at this blog, I have even contemplated deleting the entire thing over recent weeks, mostly because I’m a grumpy S.O.B at times and lash out.

In this case though, I think I’d be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Physically, I am doing great and Pup is fantastic, emotionally i can’t really complain either.

These days it’s frustration, I am frustrated with various things in my life and at times, as we all know, life can be a drag.

So please stick with me as I use this blog to vent once more…

Life Continues 

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I haven’t looked at this blog in quite some time, reminders of what was are all over it and they still sting a little to see.

Pup and I are getting closer with each passing day, we are at the ‘sharing a bed’ stage.

She sleeps at my feet or with her head resting on my tummy, ever my faithful protector and loyal assistant. Our bond is permanently on show but because I am involved directly, I don’t always see the changes until someone points them out.

Like the fact she pushed herself between myself and a man who was standing real close to me at the ATM,  or the fact she stays awake on bad nights and tolerates me sleeping on her and sobbing into her fur.

I think it’s funny how the safest hands I’ve ever been in, aren’t actually hands at all, they’re paws…

Just when I was getting overwhelmed with everything, she looks at me with the ‘life continues’ eyes.

As for baby and I?  Maybe she will come back.. I live in hope…