Where There’s A Will

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For a couple of years now, as you all know, I have been trying to take steps to better myself and achieve things with my life. It has been extremely slow going as was expected, that being said, progress has been made.

When I started, I made a detailed plan, set myself realistic and achievable goals and took up guidance when needed. I’ve done this in the past, of course, many times in fact but never stepped onto the path more than my comfort zone would allow.

Events over the last couple of years woke me up though, I got a serious look at myself and disliked almost everything I saw there.

I hadn’t made any significant steps until I got Pup, things were just moving along. Day after day, year after year, the rut I was in was slowly swallowing me up. Suffocating the fire I had after gaining control of my life in my late teens.

After talking with professionals in various fields relevant to my life, I have made my goals even more focused. Basically, I got realistic and sensible advice about what I could achieve as well as what I wanted. 

Surprisingly, I didn’t have to compromise too much, not at all in some things. To date, I have been given all the help I’ve asked for and I’ve tried to use it as fully as possible. Some of the things I’m aiming for will take longer than others obviously, but I’m at the point of no return on them, I can’t back out or make excuses.

There’s only one way to go now… forward!

I realised if I was ever going to feel good about myself, I had to stop thinking my hopes and dreams were going to fall into my lap by some miracle. I have to reach out to them a bit and see what happens.

Never again do I want to be told, “Your situation makes it impossible” or “It’s too hard”. People have been trying to put me off chasing the things I want because it’s less work and hassle for them.

I now see there are people that will support me no matter what, I just had to look and ask. There are things I’ve set in motion that will probably only be once in a lifetime but I’ll have achieved it and nobody will ever be able to take it from me.

Never say I can’t because I’ll just try and prove you wrong…

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Tattoo Day

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Today is the day I get my Dove tattoo, by the time this goes up the first session will already be done… I am expecting an emotional experience this time for obvious reasons. Add to that the emotion of recent weeks and it should all come to the fore today.

I haven’t blogged anything else substantial lately because my thoughts have been about one thing. Even if I write them down, it hasn’t been helping, I’ve written pages and pages of things but the more I write, the more it flows.

Most nights I sit in bed writing internal dialogue trying to find something that expresses how I’m feeling. Current writings are quite aggressive, dark in some parts but it’s mostly unresolved feelings, things I think but don’t say.

It’s not a painful feeling anymore, it’s frustration…

I talk but nobody hears. I rage and nobody cares…

I’m learning to manage my feelings better but it will take time I guess.

Everything changing

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My sweet cat has been diagnosed with feline dementia, also they think she may have had a stroke or possibly two. I noticed there was something wrong a week or so ago because she was confused and behaving strangely.

Now she looks at me like she doesn’t always know who I am and I see the fear in her eyes, Pup hasn’t left her side since our vet trip. Also last week, my uncle passed away and I visited home for the funeral which was a bad idea.

I am being moved from my current home to temporary accommodation at the end of the week.

Everything that kept me stable is changing or leaving and I’m struggling to keep up.

Decisions have to be made for the sake of my girl and I don’t feel strong enough to make them.

I’ll break into pieces…

Everlasting Memories

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Today I went to my local tattoo place, where I’ve gotten all my other body art in the past. I use the same artist every time and I’ve never been disappointed, her work is flawless and always manages to perfectly illustrate how I’m feeling at the time. On previous visits, I’ve toyed with the idea of getting Pup’s paw print on my chest with her name and the date we were partnered together.

This will happen now, on Pup’s birthday in June. That way, she’ll be with me no matter what, just as she should be.

The other piece I asked to be drawn up was a Dove of some sort. We couldn’t come up with a solid design choice there and then, so the artist is going to work on some ideas and get back to me.

Why am I getting it?

To remind me it’s possible to love someone so deeply, that every fibre of your being can hurt, whether they feel the same or not. I feel it, I felt it, it exists. I don’t care what people think or if they think it’s silly.

She’s part of me and I’m part of Dove, whether she wants to admit it or not. Love is real, no matter how many miles are in between.

Love

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You know the history of my family and me, there was never any love there. All my life, I’ve never bothered that much about being in a relationship, it wasn’t important. I just did it because it was the done thing.

When I did get into a relationship, they were over as quickly as they began because I never put any effort into them. Not after High School, when the teacher saw that I needed help taking notes he put me with, who everybody considered to be the hottest girl in our year group.

She wasn’t very happy about it at all at first, it wasn’t cool to be put next to the disabled kid. That was until she realised I was quite smart and articulate, then I did the brain work for both of us. I may have told you this before but after some time we started a half-baked relationship where it would only continue if I didn’t tell anyone. One day, she said that I “would have to make do” with having relationships like this because no girl would want a guy like me because I couldn’t support or protect them.

After that, I saw little point in even trying with girls. I suffered (still do) from not liking how I looked and being very self-conscious. I change my hairstyle and colour constantly, grow a beard then shave it off again. I’m never happy because no matter what I do, I know ultimately, the chair will still be there. Most people make assumptions about me without so much as a word being shared.

This depresses me beyond belief at times.

But then a friend of mine, who has now passed, said to me one night in our college room, “We may not be the most physical, the most good-looking, we will likely never be wealthy but friend, our hearts are big and we love truly because we’ve been through it all in our short lives. We’ve seen and done things that most people couldn’t begin to imagine.”

“Is love on its own enough though?” I asked

He laughed and hugged me.

“Wars have been fought for love more times in history than anything else, whether its the love of a woman, object or idea. It’s all love in the end, just in different variations. People say they want wealth and power, even you and I but they are fleeting things. Many of those types are very unhappy, yet they have everything money can buy, except the one thing they can’t get with stacks of dough, fake tan or muscles. Love stays too… if you touch someone’s heart, people remember it far more than a touch on the hand or a kiss. We can do that bro… that’s why love can not only be enough, it can be everything.

Long after the guys who are all flash and no substance are all gone because things got hard or life’s responsibilities are too much for their chiselled shoulders, guys like us will come in and do the job right.”

Those who say love isn’t enough haven’t truly found it yet…

I miss you, my friend.

Happy New Year Friends!!

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Not a fantastic year for this blog, truth be told. But I hope to change that in 2018.

My goal for the coming year is to keep trying new things, regardless of how much it scares me. Things cannot continue as they are, I just don’t deserve to be going through what I have been.

I deserve a lot better than I get at the moment so I’m thinking I may continue exploring things that interest me, who knows what may come from it.

I’ve slowly started to become more outgoing and I think that needs to continue if I’m going to get out of this rut that I’ve been in. I need to make some tough decisions and clear things out that aren’t a positive.

I have a lot to offer and it’s time the world saw.

Once again, thank you to those loyal followers for their comments and love this year, it means more than you could ever know.

Pup and I wish you the best for 2018!

We love you x