Love II

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It is just like me to fall head over heels in love with someone who lives in another country, I never do things by half. But they say you can’t help who you fall in love with, right?

I’ve had crushes before and relationships of various lengths and always felt a fondness for the person but was it what I consider to be love? No…

Baby is different, I knew that from the moment we met…

She needed me as much as I needed her… I still think we need each other and we always will to some extent. Baby would never openly admit that though I don’t think…

No matter what I do or what she does to me, I cannot imagine a life without her in it. So I suck it up and take whatever comes my way. I am insane for doing it, I know… But we’ve been through so much, it can’t all be for nothing, surely?

Yes she breaks my heart with some of the things she does, at times I think she feels that she’s doing the right thing but ultimately it just makes her situation worse and she ends up regretting it I think…

A year or so ago, I’d say I would’ve had a decent idea what she was thinking, now not so much…

She’s been through a lot recently, it has changed her in my opinion but it would anyone. I believe she sees me as stability because she admitted herself that I kept her that way.

I believe I still have her heart though, as much as she sometimes wishes it wasn’t true, I think she knows it too… My heart will always be with her, I know that…

Eventually, we end up talking again, we both can’t resist it. And it’s obvious I am fulfilling some things for her that others can’t or won’t.

All I know is, we need each other whether we like it or not, so love brings us back.

You are my Dove, Always and Forever xxx

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Love

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You know the history of my family and me, there was never any love there. All my life, I’ve never bothered that much about being in a relationship, it wasn’t important. I just did it because it was the done thing.

When I did get into a relationship, they were over as quickly as they began because I never put any effort into them. Not after High School, when the teacher saw that I needed help taking notes he put me with, who everybody considered to be the hottest girl in our year group.

She wasn’t very happy about it at all at first, it wasn’t cool to be put next to the disabled kid. That was until she realised I was quite smart and articulate, then I did the brain work for both of us. I may have told you this before but after some time we started a half-baked relationship where it would only continue if I didn’t tell anyone. One day, she said that I “would have to make do” with having relationships like this because no girl would want a guy like me because I couldn’t support or protect them.

After that, I saw little point in even trying with girls. I suffered (still do) from not liking how I looked and being very self-conscious. I change my hairstyle and colour constantly, grow a beard then shave it off again. I’m never happy because no matter what I do, I know ultimately, the chair will still be there. Most people make assumptions about me without so much as a word being shared.

This depresses me beyond belief at times.

But then a friend of mine, who has now passed, said to me one night in our college room, “We may not be the most physical, the most good-looking, we will likely never be wealthy but friend, our hearts are big and we love truly because we’ve been through it all in our short lives. We’ve seen and done things that most people couldn’t begin to imagine.”

“Is love on its own enough though?” I asked

He laughed and hugged me.

“Wars have been fought for love more times in history than anything else, whether its the love of a woman, object or idea. It’s all love in the end, just in different variations. People say they want wealth and power, even you and I but they are fleeting things. Many of those types are very unhappy, yet they have everything money can buy, except the one thing they can’t get with stacks of dough, fake tan or muscles. Love stays too… if you touch someone’s heart, people remember it far more than a touch on the hand or a kiss. We can do that bro… that’s why love can not only be enough, it can be everything.

Long after the guys who are all flash and no substance are all gone because things got hard or life’s responsibilities are too much for their chiselled shoulders, guys like us will come in and do the job right.”

Those who say love isn’t enough haven’t truly found it yet…

I miss you, my friend.

Unnecessary Destruction

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The anger and pain I feel right now is overwhelming. I can’t breathe and I’m shaking from emotion.

I want to break things, scream and shout. But I won’t, I’ll internalise everything til I burst. I have to calm down before I hyperventilate.

Where’s Pup? Right beside me like always… I’m just too angry to see… Shit! I just broke my bank card because I am shaking so badly and trying to act like nothing is wrong!

What did I even go into the fucking store for in the first place! I just hope nobody talks to me because I’m not in any frame of mind for chitchat.

To have someone that you thought you were in a long distance relationship with tell you they’ve been seeing someone else without officially ending it with you, hurts a lot.

I don’t know why people can’t be honest. I’ve learned from this that people only need you until something better comes along. Devotion and loyalty count for nothing it seems. Out of sight, out of mind obviously.

The excuse of “it just happened ” doesn’t wash with me because I was strung along for so long, whilst you were blanking me and getting cozy with someone else.

I hung around throughout all your excuses, only to have everything I’ve been there with you for, thrown back at me. The lies were unnecessary, same as the constant blanking and ignorance.

Then you try to make me end things because you wanted an easy way out. You could’ve just told me…

But no…

You had to disrespect me after everything I’ve done for you, breaking me down until I’m questioning everything about my life. Now I feel worthless and broken.

Did I really deserve that?

Was it necessary?

Are you happy?

I brought this on myself though, I gave you a second chance and this time you do me worse than before.

I’m a fucking idiot but I damn well deserve better than what you did.

No I haven’t slept and it’s 4 30 am. You have destroyed me when there was no need whatsoever.

I hope you’re happy…

Family and Home

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One thing I never really talk about is my family, mainly because I didn’t really have the greatest of times growing up.

But I am a momma’s boy at heart and my siblings, nieces and nephews are important to me.

I have always felt being four hours away from them was fine, until last night when terrorists decided to attack our home city of Manchester.

My family live minutes away from the area but luckily far enough away not to have been involved with it.

We’ve had attacks before in the UK but this was different for me, it was an attack on the place and way of life that made me who I am. It was an attack very close to those I hold most dear.

It just puts things in perspective for me.

We are tough, a city of coal miners and labourers. We won’t be divided, not even two world wars could beat us. We may be a small island and we may squabble amongst ourselves, but by attacking us, you just bring us together as one.

That’s why they call us the United Kingdom!

Light at the end of the tunnel?

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I have had this song playing all day, it more than speaks to how I’m feeling right now.

The urge to cry is overwhelming today, I accidentally broke a mug today and I almost fell to pieces.

I’m in a dark place, just waiting for that light to show me the way out.

I have no desire to engage with people right now, I only leave the house if pup is with me. 

She dropped me from a great height and I smashed. To go from everything to nothing hurts so much.

I’m Wounded 

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I’m bleeding from the heart, I can’t stop it. At least that’s how it feels, it didn’t hit me properly until I automatically emailed her, without thinking I sent that I was thinking about her. Sending her stuff was the norm, so i didn’t think…

Suddenly I realised that she wasn’t even going to respond. It was like a train hit me at full speed, now I’m sitting here balling into Pup’s fur. I’m so dumb…

I hurt so much that I can hardly breathe…

End of An Era

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After feeling like things were different and off in our relationship, Baby talked to me finally and told me that she wasn’t feeling the same about me anymore and I got the “I just didn’t know how to say it to you” line. Personally, I just think that’s a crock of shit.

The crux of it probably had something to do with the distance between us and, whether she wants to admit it or not, she probably had a realization about being with someone in my position. Admittedly, that may just be my mind thinking the worst because I’m upset and hurting, but it’s plausible, I have to say. Also, I believe she got bored of the fantasy of it all. I knew she would eventually, they all do before ever giving me a chance to prove there is more on offer if they would just give me an opportunity.

She hasn’t felt the same in a while apparently and hadn’t thought to communicate this to me. Letting me believe everything was okay, that she was just working and had very little time for a relationship.

Now, in my head alarm bells were sounding right then but my heart wanted to believe she loved me as much as I did her. I was worried, but I thought we had such a good connection, she’d come to me right away and honestly tell me how she was feeling. Looking back on it, I can see other signs that I stupidly ignored and equally that she often played down.

I suppose what hurts the most is that I let down ALL my emotional guards, that I’d built up over the years of rejection and feeling unworthy. If I were to use a Star Trek metaphor, I had given her access to Main Engineering. And she not only took weapons and shields offline, but she also removed them completely before leaving me adrift to rebuild everything from scratch, kind of like Janeway did with Voyager when they got shot off into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker Array.

But luckily, I have my good First Officer, Pup beside me, to help me rally the crew and continue to go boldly on and explore strange new worlds. Security will be heightened tenfold of course.

A lot of WP friends did try and make me see the light on some occasions, but I was too love drunk to believe them. I should no better than not to take heed of them because they’ve always had my back and given me every support.

In the end, though, despite all the great times we shared, etc. She turned out to be just like all the rest before her; I was useful until I’d put her back together and she was well enough to continue.

Lesson learned? If something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

From now on, if I am to refer to her, she will be known as Dove, as she is no longer Baby. The posts from and about her will be kept to serve as a reminder of our time together.

Lastly, Dove, I write this to you directly, which I doubt you will read now but it needs to be said.

I was devoted to you and would have given you everything, but instead, you have chosen to take another path alone and I wish you well on it. Friendship is always available to you; you know where Pup and I are, but for now, I’ll leave you with these words, 

You’ll find it hard to find a love like mine…

*tosses you the key to my collar before departing*

Draco out

((Meme was just for LOLS))