Family and Home

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One thing I never really talk about is my family, mainly because I didn’t really have the greatest of times growing up.

But I am a momma’s boy at heart and my siblings, nieces and nephews are important to me. 

I have always felt being four hours away from them was fine, until last night when terrorists decided to attack our home city of Manchester.

My family live minutes away from the area but luckily far enough away not to have been involved with it.

We’ve had attacks before in the UK but this was different for me, it was an attack the place and way of life that made me who I am. It was an attack very close to those I hold most dear.

It just puts things in perspective for me.

We are tough, a city of coal miners and labourers. We won’t be divided, not even two world wars could beat us. We maybe a small island and we may squabble amongst ourselves, but by attacking us, you just bring us together as one. 

That’s why they call us the United Kingdom! 

Light at the end of the tunnel?

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I have had this song playing all day, it more than speaks to how I’m feeling right now.

The urge to cry is overwhelming today, I accidentally broke a mug today and I almost fell to pieces.

I’m in a dark place, just waiting for that light to show me the way out.

I have no desire to engage with people right now, I only leave the house if pup is with me. 

She dropped me from a great height and I smashed. To go from everything to nothing hurts so much.

I’m Wounded 

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I’m bleeding from the heart, I can’t stop it. At least that’s how it feels, it didn’t hit me properly until I automatically emailed her, without thinking I sent that I was thinking about her. Sending her stuff was the norm, so i didn’t think…

Suddenly I realised that she wasn’t even going to respond. It was like a train hit me at full speed, now I’m sitting here balling into Pup’s fur. I’m so dumb…

I hurt so much that I can hardly breathe…

End of An Era

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After feeling like things were different and off in our relationship, Baby talked to me finally and told me that she wasn’t feeling the same about me anymore and I got the “I just didn’t know how to say it to you” line. Personally, I just think that’s a crock of shit.

The crux of it probably had something to do with the distance between us and, whether she wants to admit it or not, she probably had a realization about being with someone in my position. Admittedly, that may just be my mind thinking the worst because I’m upset and hurting, but it’s plausible, I have to say. Also, I believe she got bored of the fantasy of it all. I knew she would eventually, they all do before ever giving me a chance to prove there is more on offer if they would just give me an opportunity.

She hasn’t felt the same in a while apparently and hadn’t thought to communicate this to me. Letting me believe everything was okay, that she was just working and had very little time for a relationship.

Now, in my head alarm bells were sounding right then but my heart wanted to believe she loved me as much as I did her. I was worried, but I thought we had such a good connection, she’d come to me right away and honestly tell me how she was feeling. Looking back on it, I can see other signs that I stupidly ignored and equally that she often played down.

I suppose what hurts the most is that I let down ALL my emotional guards, that I’d built up over the years of rejection and feeling unworthy. If I were to use a Star Trek metaphor, I had given her access to Main Engineering. And she not only took weapons and shields offline, but she also removed them completely before leaving me adrift to rebuild everything from scratch, kind of like Janeway did with Voyager when they got shot off into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker Array.

But luckily, I have my good First Officer, Pup beside me, to help me rally the crew and continue to go boldly on and explore strange new worlds. Security will be heightened tenfold of course.

A lot of WP friends did try and make me see the light on some occasions, but I was too love drunk to believe them. I should no better than not to take heed of them because they’ve always had my back and given me every support.

In the end, though, despite all the great times we shared, etc. She turned out to be just like all the rest before her; I was useful until I’d put her back together and she was well enough to continue.

Lesson learned? If something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

From now on, if I am to refer to her, she will be known as Dove, as she is no longer Baby. The posts from and about her will be kept to serve as a reminder of our time together.

Lastly, Dove, I write this to you directly, which I doubt you will read now but it needs to be said.

I was devoted to you and would have given you everything, but instead, you have chosen to take another path alone and I wish you well on it. Friendship is always available to you; you know where Pup and I are, but for now, I’ll leave you with these words, 

You’ll find it hard to find a love like mine…

*tosses you the key to my collar before departing*

Draco out

((Meme was just for LOLS))

Hope – The Only Thing Left 

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Hope that someday you’ll have time for me again, fills my heart, I cling on to it like a life raft in the rough sea that is my life.

I know to some people it’s looking like a waste of time, but I am not about to let go until you tell me otherwise. If you don’t want me anymore, the words have to come from you…

I deserve better than just to be abandoned like this, you can try and say otherwise but it’s essentially what you’ve done. After everything we’ve been through, I have a hard time believing you’d just drop me and run, right?

You always tell me all you do is work, school and sleep. I believe that… I can understand why you would be tired, exhausted even.

But I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact you can’t spare even a second to send a message to me, like i send to you daily …

Am I missing something? Am I being selfish wanting that? 

Dusty Pages 

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blow the dust off the front cover of the leather journal, sighing deeply as I pick up my pen…

It’s been sometime since I have even looked at this blog, I have even contemplated deleting the entire thing over recent weeks, mostly because I’m a grumpy S.O.B at times and lash out.

In this case though, I think I’d be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Physically, I am doing great and Pup is fantastic, emotionally i can’t really complain either.

These days it’s frustration, I am frustrated with various things in my life and at times, as we all know, life can be a drag.

So please stick with me as I use this blog to vent once more…

Wannabe Dominants – The Bad Kind of Pain in the Ass

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I usually avoid talking about this subject because I don’t want the usual backlash from people saying, “What makes you different?”

I say now, I don’t claim to be the perfect Dominant, I make mistakes more often than I probably should admit but one thing is always constant – As long as my sub is happy, then I am too.

In my opinion, it is MY duty as a Dominant to make sure that my submissive has all the advice, guidance and nurturing to enable her to be the best person she can possibly be.

Most Wannabe’s (or at least the many that I’ve come across) have little to no interest in the submissive past the curves of her body. They expect to pull on the proverbial leash and be unquestionably pandered to, served in all ways. Once that’s done, instead of all the great aftercare bonding (my favorite part by the way) the submissive is usually just expected to get on as normal and take care of themselves until the next time.

I saw this first hand when I met Baby, she was with the biggest fake (in my opinion, hope she doesn’t kill me for this!) ‘Daddy’ I had encountered up to then. Of course when I approached the subject, I got the usual “It wasn’t always like that.” which is true because if it was, these jackasses wouldn’t get so much as the time of day.

See, I’ve said before that when I met Baby, she thought I was just another creep trying to get creepy. But I could see there was pain coming from somewhere, she was emotionally beaten down and had zero self esteem.

So I kept going back to see her everyday, because I wanted to know how a cute girl was alone and unhappy but claimed she had a Daddy.

Then I met the jerk and saw some of the things he said to her….

No further explanation needed!

Basically, it was mostly about what he NEEDED or what he WANTED.

I remember the day she said she had been talking to me and he probably would of handed her to me directly had I been there. Didn’t seem to care one bit how invested emotionally she was.

And that’s what Wannabes do, use those emotions to bleed a sub dry for their sick pleasure, to hell with the consequences because they’re not the one’s who deal with the broken pieces. They’re usually long gone by then….on to the next toy.

They take so much that only the shell of a sub remains. For me as a Dominant, it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s the REAL Dominants that come and breath life back into that shell then take care of it like it’s the most precious jewel in the world.

[Takes a moment to collect my thoughts]

Although Baby lives on the other side of the world, I feel more tangible things are in our future, there has to be because the Baby you see today wouldn’t exist without a piece of my heart.

You might get hurt, but there’s always someone a few steps behind who wants to repair and love you…

Baby and I, my good friends Cinn and Hunter to name a few….

NEVER LOSE HOPE X

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