Lost Dove

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Most people may think I’m stupid for being hung up on Baby after all this time. After all, our contact has dropped to nothing over the last few weeks.

Her life has completely taken over, for one reason or another. I just don’t fit in anywhere anymore. I still message her every now and then to say I’m thinking of her and hope everything is well, I don’t get a response from her that much though.

On the rare occasion that she does respond however, she tells me that everything is fine between us. It isn’t obviously, because if you really want to communicate with someone, you find a way no matter what. And I’ve felt for a while that she was putting more and more distance between us as time passed. She closed down emotionally and shut me out, going from being completely open about most things.

Stress does things to people and I know she’s been pretty much buried in it lately. Partly, I think she has cut me out of things because I am causing her more stress, whether she wants to admit it or not. When in fact, all I want to do is be there for her and love her.

The longer this has been going on, the more pressure has been piled on, causing her to retreat further and get more and more depressed about her situation. I’ve lost the connection with her, that at one time, kept us both afloat. We are adrift at the moment, she’s off flying erratically with nobody to catch her and keep her on course. And me, the ever devoted Dove Keeper, left hoping she finds her way home before it’s too late.

For both of us…

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Light at the end of the tunnel?

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I have had this song playing all day, it more than speaks to how I’m feeling right now.

The urge to cry is overwhelming today, I accidentally broke a mug today and I almost fell to pieces.

I’m in a dark place, just waiting for that light to show me the way out.

I have no desire to engage with people right now, I only leave the house if pup is with me. 

She dropped me from a great height and I smashed. To go from everything to nothing hurts so much.

I’m Wounded 

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I’m bleeding from the heart, I can’t stop it. At least that’s how it feels, it didn’t hit me properly until I automatically emailed her, without thinking I sent that I was thinking about her. Sending her stuff was the norm, so i didn’t think…

Suddenly I realised that she wasn’t even going to respond. It was like a train hit me at full speed, now I’m sitting here balling into Pup’s fur. I’m so dumb…

I hurt so much that I can hardly breathe…

What are the odds?

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Considering Dove’s lack of contact before we broke up yesterday, common sense tells me that, even though she says she wants to remain friends, not to expect her to be too active in keeping a connection with me. 

Exes say they want to be friends don’t they? But what are the odds of it actually happening?

I mean I’d love it to be a good outcome but at this point in time, it’s too soon to say.

I have had to use all of my willpower not to crumble several times today, I put so much of myself into the relationship that I am more than a little lost.

I’m scared of falling back into the darkness.

She is handling this far better than I am…

End of An Era

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After feeling like things were different and off in our relationship, Baby talked to me finally and told me that she wasn’t feeling the same about me anymore and I got the “I just didn’t know how to say it to you” line. Personally, I just think that’s a crock of shit.

The crux of it probably had something to do with the distance between us and, whether she wants to admit it or not, she probably had a realization about being with someone in my position. Admittedly, that may just be my mind thinking the worst because I’m upset and hurting, but it’s plausible, I have to say. Also, I believe she got bored of the fantasy of it all. I knew she would eventually, they all do before ever giving me a chance to prove there is more on offer if they would just give me an opportunity.

She hasn’t felt the same in a while apparently and hadn’t thought to communicate this to me. Letting me believe everything was okay, that she was just working and had very little time for a relationship.

Now, in my head alarm bells were sounding right then but my heart wanted to believe she loved me as much as I did her. I was worried, but I thought we had such a good connection, she’d come to me right away and honestly tell me how she was feeling. Looking back on it, I can see other signs that I stupidly ignored and equally that she often played down.

I suppose what hurts the most is that I let down ALL my emotional guards, that I’d built up over the years of rejection and feeling unworthy. If I were to use a Star Trek metaphor, I had given her access to Main Engineering. And she not only took weapons and shields offline, but she also removed them completely before leaving me adrift to rebuild everything from scratch, kind of like Janeway did with Voyager when they got shot off into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker Array.

But luckily, I have my good First Officer, Pup beside me, to help me rally the crew and continue to go boldly on and explore strange new worlds. Security will be heightened tenfold of course.

A lot of WP friends did try and make me see the light on some occasions, but I was too love drunk to believe them. I should no better than not to take heed of them because they’ve always had my back and given me every support.

In the end, though, despite all the great times we shared, etc. She turned out to be just like all the rest before her; I was useful until I’d put her back together and she was well enough to continue.

Lesson learned? If something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

From now on, if I am to refer to her, she will be known as Dove, as she is no longer Baby. The posts from and about her will be kept to serve as a reminder of our time together.

Lastly, Dove, I write this to you directly, which I doubt you will read now but it needs to be said.

I was devoted to you and would have given you everything, but instead, you have chosen to take another path alone and I wish you well on it. Friendship is always available to you; you know where Pup and I are, but for now, I’ll leave you with these words, 

You’ll find it hard to find a love like mine…

*tosses you the key to my collar before departing*

Draco out

((Meme was just for LOLS))

Hope – The Only Thing Left 

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Hope that someday you’ll have time for me again, fills my heart, I cling on to it like a life raft in the rough sea that is my life.

I know to some people it’s looking like a waste of time, but I am not about to let go until you tell me otherwise. If you don’t want me anymore, the words have to come from you…

I deserve better than just to be abandoned like this, you can try and say otherwise but it’s essentially what you’ve done. After everything we’ve been through, I have a hard time believing you’d just drop me and run, right?

You always tell me all you do is work, school and sleep. I believe that… I can understand why you would be tired, exhausted even.

But I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact you can’t spare even a second to send a message to me, like i send to you daily …

Am I missing something? Am I being selfish wanting that? 

I sit and wait 

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For you to respond to one of my dozens of messages, emails and every other form of contact I can think of…

But each day goes by without a word. I know you are busy but I can’t help but think, if you really care for someone, you can take at least two minutes to send a quick response, right?

I’m not asking for an essay, one line would do, a few words even, just to know you still care and are thinking of me at times, rare as they might be.

I haven’t given up hope that you still care for me, nor will I, that was my promise to you.

Until we talk again, I sit and wait…