Most people may think I’m stupid for being hung up on Baby after all this time. After all, our contact has dropped to nothing over the last few weeks.
Her life has completely taken over, for one reason or another. I just don’t fit in anywhere anymore. I still message her every now and then to say I’m thinking of her and hope everything is well, I don’t get a response from her that much though.
On the rare occasion that she does respond however, she tells me that everything is fine between us. It isn’t obviously, because if you really want to communicate with someone, you find a way no matter what. And I’ve felt for a while that she was putting more and more distance between us as time passed. She closed down emotionally and shut me out, going from being completely open about most things.
Stress does things to people and I know she’s been pretty much buried in it lately. Partly, I think she has cut me out of things because I am causing her more stress, whether she wants to admit it or not. When in fact, all I want to do is be there for her and love her.
The longer this has been going on, the more pressure has been piled on, causing her to retreat further and get more and more depressed about her situation. I’ve lost the connection with her, that at one time, kept us both afloat. We are adrift at the moment, she’s off flying erratically with nobody to catch her and keep her on course. And me, the ever devoted Dove Keeper, left hoping she finds her way home before it’s too late.
For both of us…
I don’t normally like thinking about the past but with social media, I don’t really have a choice at times.
Today I realised that almost everybody I knew from my college days is married and have settled down.
I am happy for them but it makes me wish I had that, even more than I normally do.
Lately I have been thinking I’m never going to have anything close to that and it hurts.
Looking at these pictures makes me feel old and like I’ve wasted a decade. But then I remember everything I have accomplished.
Ultimately though, am I being unrealistic wanting someone to be with me and take on all the baggage I come with?
I haven't been around for awhile as my life has been and still is, all sorts of crazy.
I just haven't wanted to write about anything, being down in this hole of depression with me wouldn't have been a great read.
I am still in a low frame of mind, I can't seem to shake it off.
I feel like it's Pup and I against all the stuff I have going on right now, I may go into it further in future posts.
All I can see is darkness right now…
One thing I never really talk about is my family, mainly because I didn’t really have the greatest of times growing up.
But I am a momma’s boy at heart and my siblings, nieces and nephews are important to me.
I have always felt being four hours away from them was fine, until last night when terrorists decided to attack our home city of Manchester.
My family live minutes away from the area but luckily far enough away not to have been involved with it.
We’ve had attacks before in the UK but this was different for me, it was an attack the place and way of life that made me who I am. It was an attack very close to those I hold most dear.
It just puts things in perspective for me.
We are tough, a city of coal miners and labourers. We won’t be divided, not even two world wars could beat us. We maybe a small island and we may squabble amongst ourselves, but by attacking us, you just bring us together as one.
That’s why they call us the United Kingdom!
I have had a busy period over the last couple of months, started to write a post about it many times but changed my mind.
One thing I’ve noticed recently, is how much time I spend on venting about my issues but never actually doing anything about it.
I got quite a lot from writing here, once upon a time, so I figured I’d try again.
Recently, my landlord has formally given me notice to move out, two months from April 17 to be exact.
But don’t worry, because of my disability they can’t just throw me out when the time is up, even if I haven’t found anything else to move into.
As you all know, I’ve wanted to move for a while but now I will get more support from the relevant authorities. Even then though, it’s still going to take time.
As well as dealing with that, I have been investigating the circumstances of my birth and how I came to be the way I am. It’s interesting to say the least and have questions about how and why certain things happened but for now it’s just curiosity more than anything.
So, I’ve been stressing a whole lot about things with very little support, so I’m venting here again.
If you stop it’s hard to start moving again… Even when people and life give you rough terrain, ride on through!
Grit your teeth and close your eyes, pushing through to the easier ground ahead.
I am trying…
We lay here, curled up in bed, your head on my stomach. I run my fingers through your fur as I try to sleep.
My mind races as your breathing slows to its usual calming rhythm. You look at me deeply, as if speaking to my very soul directly.
Stinging tears fill my eyes, blurring my vision of you slightly. I feel a paw move quickly and instantly our faces are inches apart.
Your weighty presence is soothing and my eyes feel heavy, the anger and frustration melting away with every breath you take.
A paw across the chest eases me back into the soft pillow safely, my body surrendering to exhaustion. All night you lay there watching over me, showing only silent devotion.