The Waterfall Ride

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No words to say except, I love her… Always and Forever x

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Where There’s A Will

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For a couple of years now, as you all know, I have been trying to take steps to better myself and achieve things with my life. It has been extremely slow going as was expected, that being said, progress has been made.

When I started, I made a detailed plan, set myself realistic and achievable goals and took up guidance when needed. I’ve done this in the past, of course, many times in fact but never stepped onto the path more than my comfort zone would allow.

Events over the last couple of years woke me up though, I got a serious look at myself and disliked almost everything I saw there.

I hadn’t made any significant steps until I got Pup, things were just moving along. Day after day, year after year, the rut I was in was slowly swallowing me up. Suffocating the fire I had after gaining control of my life in my late teens.

After talking with professionals in various fields relevant to my life, I have made my goals even more focused. Basically, I got realistic and sensible advice about what I could achieve as well as what I wanted. 

Surprisingly, I didn’t have to compromise too much, not at all in some things. To date, I have been given all the help I’ve asked for and I’ve tried to use it as fully as possible. Some of the things I’m aiming for will take longer than others obviously, but I’m at the point of no return on them, I can’t back out or make excuses.

There’s only one way to go now… forward!

I realised if I was ever going to feel good about myself, I had to stop thinking my hopes and dreams were going to fall into my lap by some miracle. I have to reach out to them a bit and see what happens.

Never again do I want to be told, “Your situation makes it impossible” or “It’s too hard”. People have been trying to put me off chasing the things I want because it’s less work and hassle for them.

I now see there are people that will support me no matter what, I just had to look and ask. There are things I’ve set in motion that will probably only be once in a lifetime but I’ll have achieved it and nobody will ever be able to take it from me.

Never say I can’t because I’ll just try and prove you wrong…

Tattoo Day

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Today is the day I get my Dove tattoo, by the time this goes up the first session will already be done… I am expecting an emotional experience this time for obvious reasons. Add to that the emotion of recent weeks and it should all come to the fore today.

I haven’t blogged anything else substantial lately because my thoughts have been about one thing. Even if I write them down, it hasn’t been helping, I’ve written pages and pages of things but the more I write, the more it flows.

Most nights I sit in bed writing internal dialogue trying to find something that expresses how I’m feeling. Current writings are quite aggressive, dark in some parts but it’s mostly unresolved feelings, things I think but don’t say.

It’s not a painful feeling anymore, it’s frustration…

I talk but nobody hears. I rage and nobody cares…

I’m learning to manage my feelings better but it will take time I guess.

Everything changing

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My sweet cat has been diagnosed with feline dementia, also they think she may have had a stroke or possibly two. I noticed there was something wrong a week or so ago because she was confused and behaving strangely.

Now she looks at me like she doesn’t always know who I am and I see the fear in her eyes, Pup hasn’t left her side since our vet trip. Also last week, my uncle passed away and I visited home for the funeral which was a bad idea.

I am being moved from my current home to temporary accommodation at the end of the week.

Everything that kept me stable is changing or leaving and I’m struggling to keep up.

Decisions have to be made for the sake of my girl and I don’t feel strong enough to make them.

I’ll break into pieces…